I’m going to let myself sound ungrateful for a moment. It’s not a habit, but in the interest of honesty and transparency, I have some wishes for what I sometimes would like to be that are going to cause me to look like I’m not appreciating all that is. So I’m claiming grace sufficient for the moment.
I wish things in my mind were not so complicated. It’s been recently suggested that I am complicating my life. No doubt my life’s complicated, but so is what goes on inside my head. I don’t know if its more complicated than anyone else’s, I’ve never been in a head other than my own. I don’t know if there is a possibility of less complication, this is the only reality I know; and I wish it were more simple.
I wish there were fewer triggers from my past. It gets tiring being on guard for the sight, sound or smell that could trigger a notion that leads to a thought that is hooked to a memory that may or may not cause a restless night – or a weeks worth of them. Being aware of each trigger and stopping the process early is tiresome. But then again so is letting them go.
I wish my memory worked differently. It’s sometimes selective; sometimes protective; sometimes sentimental; sometimes it betrays me. It seems that it is always on and active; as if in some way I’m afraid of the next memory to be collected and hold tightly to the ones that I already have; good bad or indifferent. I elevate the past to the point that the present has no chance of living up to it.
I wish my emotions were more present and less deliberate. I don’t want to think about having emotions, I just want to have them. I don’t want to contemplate loving someone, I want to love someone. I don’t want to understand joy, I just want to know joy. I don’t want to fear hurt or sadness, I want to forget what they are and learn them again for unique reasons and new purposes.
I wish my imagination would be a little more realistic. I would like to not have to keep it constantly in check, balancing thought and illusions with facts and realities. I would like my mind to be less prone to wander and more prone to live in the moment; processing the here and now as opposed to the endless and unpredictable possibilities.
I wish I could know me without having to explore me; that somehow I was straight forward enough to just be known and not need to be understood by myself or anyone else. That there were no room for misunderstanding, no need for explaining.
Are there really simple people? Not “simple minded” or “plain”, but people who don’t require mental energy at every turn, whose minds can experience down time because their minds intuitively know its good for them; they don’t need to be conditioned or trained or medicated to know a moments stillness and peace.
I am deeply grateful for my life experiences, the highs and the hurts. There is much that I have in my life that I would not if things had unfolded differently. I can press on knowing that what is is what is and enjoying the journey for what it is. Its just difficult to not wonder how it might have been different…