Marriage Hurts, Divorce Sucks

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”
-Helen Rowland

Why blog about my divorce? The purpose of this blog is to explore the things in life that are challenging and refining me. Not just the pretty, cute, clever, socially trendy or spiritually profound. It’s the good, the bad and the ugly of learning to be me. Right now divorce is a part of that.

They say it’s the ultimate “no-win” situation. I’m not sure who “they” are, but I’m pretty sure they got this one right. Divorce is proving to be an excruciatingly painful process. Developing new boundaries and learning new boundaries to respect – both very largely by trial and error. All of the issues: communication, fear, trust, etc. still exist – some of them ten-fold – but without the perceived safety net of the relationship there to give either of us an excuse or motivation to look past them.

Of all the challenges of separation and divorce (and we haven’t even filed yet), I think one of the greatest has been those moments when for some reason or another I’m compelled to remember the marriage. It’s not the fact that it didn’t work, or how much we argued, or what ultimately came between us; it’s how good we could actually be together that can really pull me down.

I believe in marriage; I think there were a great many things about our marriage that attest to its value. I am convinced that the insurmountable challenge with our marriage is that we were two people who came together with a great deal of disfunction in our hearts and minds. As we worked to overcome that over the years, our revelations and solutions became incompatible.

A healthy marriage – or any relationship for that matter – is best accomplished when two whole people come together to form a whole relationship. I call it “marriage math” where 1+1=1. Unlike real math, trying to add 1/2 + 1/2 will not get you to a “1”. I’m not suggesting perfection, but personal and spiritual wholeness. It’s a difficult concept to grasp and as you will see from the rest of the blog, it’s something I’m just now beginning to find in my own life.

I intend to post here as the process of the divorce unfolds; not as a technical advice column for divorcing in Texas, but rather to explore my mental and emotional responses to the events as they unfold. Hopefully along the way, someone out there will realize they are not alone and take a step closer to being a complete, unashamed “1”!

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