Final

The divorce is final.

When I filed the petition, I wrote a post declaring “fickle” and emotion. I’m feeling the same emotion now with about 10x the intensity. There is a sense of closure and emptiness that is overwhelming. I don’t feel like a failure, yet I feel like I have failed. I don’t feel hopeless, but I don’t know what to expect next. I don’t feel lonely, but am aware of being alone.

I know that there is a reason for feeling these things. I know that someday, I will be able to connect with others who are hurting in a more personal, tangible way as a result of having had this experience. I also know that they hurt and that I need to allow myself the space to hurt and, ultimately, to heal.

I am grateful for my kids. I am grateful for a family that loves, supports, encourages and accepts me unconditionally. I am grateful for new friends that have stood by my over the last 11 months. I am even grateful for my ex-wife and the spirit of amiability that has been predominant over this process (not without conflict or strife, but overall a good tone between us).

Mostly I am thankful for my God. I know that despite my confusion and concern, He is my provider, my strength, my rock, my strong tower and my hope. It was a convenient reality that this happened just after we celebrated Christ’s resurrection and victory over death. The power and authority that He demonstrated over the grave is the same that I will cling to in the days to come.

Usually I would go back right now and edit this post to get rid of the abundance of sentences that start with “I”. Under the circumstances I’m just going to ask for your grace and patience instead. Tomorrow, perhaps even later today, by God’s grace I will take my focus off of myself. In the meantime, the “fickle” needs time to run its course.

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