Think Twice

Depression is depressing. That may seem like a redundant statement, but it really emphasizes the heaviness this disease can bring to bear on a soul. I’ve had a issue getting a prescription for my antidepressant refilled. As a result I’ve been without it for 5 days now. It’s been refilled and things will once again return to “normal” – i.e. more normally functional. I began to really feel the impact of the missing medication two days ago. I found myself driving from point a to point b with extreme racing thoughts, most of which were catastrophic in nature. “This was not going to go well”, “I won’t ever be able to get that done”, “There is no way this person or that person will understand”.
The cognitive distortions were the standard, not the exception. At some point, in the midst of yet another unexplained fit of tears, I recognized what what happening. I wrote a note to myself and hung it from the sun visor on the truck:

12092349_1652313351655873_1965316426_n

There is something frightening about not being able to trust your own thinking. But on the other hand, when the distortions are recognized and managed, there is a beautiful depth that comes from the depressive thinking. I am able to feel colors, hear smells and taste thoughts. “Abstract” becomes more real to me and “concrete” becomes less valuable. I’m not suggesting that I would want to be in that state perpetually. It would be exhausting to constantly fight that battle and it’s not something that I would ever intentionally allow myself to experience while living alone. I am grateful for the medication that gives me relief from the darkness that comes with these episodes. However, I am learning to see the beauty that the mind can unlock when it changes is lenses.
So I will keep telling myself: don’t trust your thoughts, think them twice, then find the new things they may be trying to show you.

2 thoughts on “Think Twice

  1. Grateful God made people smart enough to figure out what the body needs and how to put that in a pill form! Hope your back to ” normal” state comes quickly. You were wise to remind yourself that your thoughts might be jumbled.

  2. I So appreciate you sharing your depression stories. I am so glad that I have friends like you that I can Talk to and not be judged because I am plagued with the same type of depression. The greatest thing and gift that we have is knowing that we have others That are going through the same thing and we can all get through it together we are never alone again. Thanks for sharing Your words are powerful Been very uplifting. Sincerely your friend Linda

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *