When your divorce is final, do you plan on dating and if so, will you date men or women?
This is a question that has come up frequently both in conversation and with my therapist. While it is something I think about, it’s not something I’ve spent too much time on just yet. Here’s why:
…as the question mentions, my divorce is not final. And when I say it’s not “final”, I’m not just referring to the legal process, but the mental and emotional process as well.
…I mentioned in my post in the “Divorcing and Pressing On” category that I believe relationships are best when two “whole” people come together. It’s really a totally separate discussion as to where dating falls in the process of a person finding wholeness, but at the moment my gut tells me I have more wholeness to find on my own before I find it in the context of a dating relationship. (This also begs for a discussion of the difference between “going on dates” and “dating”.)
…I’ve also made references to my identity as “pre-sexual.” This is, in many ways, not that different from a Middle or young High School student (I’ve heard transgender people refer to this time of transition as a “second puberty” – I tend to think of it as finally completing the first one!). Just as I would advise a young and growing person, my security in my own identity needs to evolve before I allow too many outside influences too much access.
That being said, I am a very social person. I love being with people in larger groups, small groups, and one on one. Knowing what I know about me right now, I would say that I see myself with another woman in the long term. But I have a lot of growing to do and don’t want to jump back into the proverbial box too quickly.
Another question that I found myself asking as I thought through this written response (which is why I love writing responses!) is “what kind of people will be attracted to me?” I remember dating (or trying to!) in my teens and early 20’s. The same question really came out more like “what kind of person could possibly be attracted to me.” The working theory in psychology seems to be based on simple laws of attraction, “like attracts like”, or as I have seen others refer put it, we attract people at our “common level of emotional health.”
There is a good article on this here.
It will be fun to see how different this whole part of life is now compared to what it was 20 years ago as I continue to grow and invest in me!
Update: After much thought, socializing and soul searching this past year, I’ve solidly identified as a trans-lesbian. I’m glad I have the question some time to simmer, but I’m also glad to know me a little better and with confidence!