Most of my blog entries start in my journal. Usually I will edit and polish my late night ramblings into something more share worthy. I decided not to touch this one. It’s a little bit stream of conscious so it may not “get to the point” like I prefer to do, but it’s a picture into my journey.
It was a little after 8:00 pm before I heard the sound of my own voice today. I wasn’t ill, I wasn’t lonely, I was just alone – and quiet. It’s been an intense couple of weeks and I have been delaying allowing myself to process big pieces of what has happened. The last couple of days I’ve begun to open up the treasure chest of emotions that have been collecting.
It can be genuinely overwhelming.
I hadn’t planned for today to be what it was. It just needed to happen. I needed to quiet my head, shut my mouth and just allow myself to be. I needed to notice what I was feeling without the need to elaborate or expound on it or explain it or turn it into something profound.
In the silence and rest I could feel the tension begin to ease. I ate. I took naps. I meditated. I chatted with dear friends on line and via text – nothing too deep, just keeping a safe touch to the outside world. Each time I opened the doors a little wider, felt a little more, and let go of a little more, I felt more and more of “me” coming back. I felt fears fading, confidence rebuilding and passion rekindling – all things that emotional and spiritual fatigue will wreak havoc on!
Something else hit me today that most of you likely already knew: it’s OK for our voices to not be missed. It’s also OK if they are missed, but when I can make myself be quiet, I let myself see how big the world around me actually is – way too big for my voice alone to do much damage or good. But I can also focus on where my voice can and should be heard, and be diligent that when it is I am saying something worth while.
The road ahead is long, but it is met with great anticipation. I want to enjoy the journey and not miss any of it. Hopefully moments like today will help me stay the course.