(This is one of those posts that was written via a “stream of consciousness”. Other than correcting a few typos, it is raw and unedited.)
We has a message in church last night on God’s calling. Specifically the barriers that we face to that calling. One barrier that I often feel that was not discussed: God.
I am struggling with the issue of calling. It feels like I have be walking in faith trying to “serve”, to “surrender”, to be “obedient” for over 25 years and have seen little fruit from it. I have watched my body and marriage crumble, my mental and emotional health plummet and am financially in a perpetual pit. I’m having a hard time seeing the value of walking in faith and following God’s alleged calling. I felt a bit justified in my anger and frustration with God. I’m grateful He is patient with that.
I can’t think if a single time that I acted in response to what I believe was “God’s calling” that worked out well. I’m not going to bother listing them, it would just add to the depression. But as I think about all the implications of the path my adult life has brought me down, there are a couple of possible conclusions – distorted as they may be – about my relationship with God at which I arrive:
1) I’m not as good as listening to God as I would like to think
2) It’s not really God I’m listening to
3) I’m listening well, but not “doing” enough of the right things
4) Those who oppose God – in the spiritual or physical realm – have more influence over me that I think
5) God does not desire my service: my perceived calling to serve Him is my desire, not HIs
And the one I think most likely has some truth to it:
6) God is the master of timing, the definer of success and the giver of tomorrows. I am none of these.
I’m in the middle of more projects that I have undertaken because, after much prayer and consideration, I think God as “called” me to them. It’s difficult to find the energy to persist in the midst of chaos and doubt. Perhaps that is the purpose of chaos and doubt: to draw us away from relying on our own energy, strength, intellect or resolve.
Treasures in heaven aren’t meant to be seen on earth. The treasures I have are the air I breath, the food I eat, the clothes I wear, the roof that shelters me. Like flowers in a field and birds in the sky (or in my case on a lake), these things are taken care of. In the meantime I continue to learn that my strength is beautiful in its lacking, my wisdom full in its emptiness and my heart broken in the depth of love and compassion that is being constantly poured into it.