I’ve taken the leap, bit the bullet, made a lifelong commitment. No its not a relationship or a job; I’ve simply acquired some new decor.
The last year has been about climbing away from what was ruining me. That using a word like “ruined” to describe a person may be a bit controversial and without a doubt it raises a bunch of questions. Are we really ruined as people? Even considering the concept of “original sin” if you choose to do so, dose that make us “ruined”? And if it does and we accept the work of Christ as a means to restore what sin broke (which I do), are we still “ruined”? Was it the effects of trauma in my life – sexual assault, being run over by car, getting shot at, etc. that was rendering me “ruined”?
Setting aside the theology, psychology, sociology behind the question, let me just reassure you that I was living my life with a concept of myself as ruined. It wasn’t the actual facts, ideologies or events that kept me there, it was the fact that I allowed them to define me.
So how am I now unruined? In a nutshell: I’ve found a new definition of me.
Its a definition that allows me to experience my value and worth totally independent of circumstances, events past present or future or the surroundings of the moment. It doesn’t rise on anything the world would define as success or crumble with what they might call failure. There is nothing external – relationships, finances, education – that can alter it for better or for worse. It has nothing to do with living up to social expectations and paradigms of gender, race, ethnicity or social class. It can not be built up or torn down by a gain or loss of privilege.
It’s a definition of me that begins with me – just as God made me – surrendering to Jesus Christ as my Higher Power, accepting the presence of His Spirit in my life, and then dwelling in the moment. Loving as I can love. Hurting as I need to hurt. Thinking as I can think. Feeling as I am able to feel.
And when I begin to think I can’t, that I don’t have what it takes – the new definition of me means knowing that I am not alone. That there are others who are constantly seeking to maintain their definition of self. It means believing that I can quiet my head and my heart and be still, and that when I do God will not let me be – He will move and inspire me to do the next right thing, the next good thing, the next great thing.
That’s why I am unruined.
Project Semicolon: If you’re not familiar with the symbolism behind the semicolon, here it is as described on the Project Semicolon website (I couldn’t have said it better so I didn’t try!):
“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.
“Project Semicolon is a faith-based non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to encourage, love and inspire.”